why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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