i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
