Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
