I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
