there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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