On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
