Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
