I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
