I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
