Soap is not a condiment
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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