Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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