after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
