First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
