Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
