How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
