Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
