So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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