he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
