you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
