My sheets look like a crime scene.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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