sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
