So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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