never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
