I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
