Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
me + whiskey = a bad person
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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