He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
