Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
