Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
