I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
