I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
