Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
