Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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