I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
