What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
