Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
