My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
