please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
