cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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