Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
