Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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