you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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