At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
