i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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