he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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