this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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