I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
