Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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