I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
