He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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