If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
