I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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