I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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