dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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