And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
