my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
