Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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