I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
