really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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