so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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